The Myth of Achieving Happiness

Disclaimer: The author of this article is not a licensed mental health professional or psychologist. The information provided in this piece is based on personal opinions and experiences and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, anxiety, or any other mental health concerns, please consult with a qualified mental health professional, such as a therapist, counselor, or psychiatrist. Always seek the advice of a qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding your mental health or well-being.

What is happiness? How does one achieve that seemingly elusive little gem? I'm no expert on happiness, and lord knows I'm not the beaming example of it. I find too much satisfaction in my grumpiness. And I’m sure this idea has already been touched on by way smarter people, or just other people who’ve managed to express my thesis on happiness in a more succinct and relatable way, but I wanted to put my two cents in anyway.

I believe the premise of achieving happiness is the wrong premise to start with. I feel the issue lies in the phrase "achieving happiness," as if it is some goal, reward, or prize that comes at the end of working really hard, stressing out, or getting that pay bump and more spending cash. When looking at it this way, you're turning happiness into some product that can be purchased or a tangible prize like the gold at the end of a rainbow.

The cynic in me says our pro-consumer, capitalist culture is sending these messages. Happiness is having that expensive car, big house, or luxurious vacation. Happiness is getting that new TV, age-defying makeup, sleek furniture, stylish fashion, cool accessories, or memorabilia that gives you your identity. I could go on, but you get the point.

This dangling carrot comes in other forms, not just material items, but may also present itself as the freedom of leisure time or freedom in general. All this happiness can be yours if only... if only you put the work in, work longer and harder, smarter and better. Embrace the brunt of the crashing waves of stress. Make it through, and it will be all yours at last.

Well, the problem with this, as far as I see it, is that the waves never stop coming. There will always be more work to be done, more money needed to be made, perfection can be more perfected, and so on. People often view happiness as an expectation; in my experience, expectations frequently lead to unhappiness and disappointment. In this system, happiness won't be reached because it's designed to set you up for failure, simply because the message is "you don't have happiness already." Therefore, it can only be obtained by buying it or achieving it, and it's in the best interest of institutions that run our little world to keep you chasing that dream, to shell out your money, time, and effort.

The evidence is clear when considering that those who do have excessive wealth and accolades are not guaranteed to be happy, and this is doubly so for those born with excessive wealth and privilege. I'm sure this varies from person to person, but generally, I believe being given everything leads to a kind of blindness to its value and a lack of appreciation for the things you do have, subsequently leading to a void of happiness. This raises a separate question I've always been fascinated by: is adversity necessary to define meaning in one's life? Perhaps that'll be another topic for another day.

Just to let you know, I'm not saying working hard, achieving goals, learning skills, or building something is a worthless endeavor. I think having something to work towards does give purpose and meaning to one's life. And aiming to make enough money to maintain a better lifestyle is not bad; we live in the society we live in, after all, and having a comfortable life is a desirable place to be. My grievance is with framing happiness as some end product that can only be acquired once you master these things. It's like saying happiness is only at the end of 10,000 steps when the fact that you're going for a walk is where the joy is. You reach the end of those 10,000 steps. Does that mean you've won the game and been granted eternal happiness? Well, that depends on how you view it. Likely, you'll be unsatisfied, the prize feeling a little light and hollow. Well, maybe you need another 10,000 steps, and then you'll have it.

You probably can see where I'm heading with all this. Happiness is not something separate from you. Perhaps this is in psychology's realm, but I believe perspective makes all the difference. Happiness is not something to be gained; it's something to be appreciated, the secret space already within you that’s opened with gratitude. Oh, well, then I'll just be more grateful, and then I'll be happy! That's not my point. That’s leaning into expectations again. It's about learning to see what we already have and valuing it. I know, not a sexy concept; a mystery is more alluring when unsolved.

But in my thinking, believing happiness is something you don't have and only expect to get via a third-party means will lead you into never having it. You have happiness already; it's there; it's just a matter of recognizing it. For me, it generally appears in the small things: coffee with my wife after our workout, reading before bed, watching Forensic Files (murder shows) in bed with my wife as a sleeping aid, watching our favorite shows on the couch while we eat dinner, games night with friends, my cats, my Saturdays writing at Panera, and even when I'm being a little curmudgeonly at the world can bring some joy to me—it's the sum of a thousand little things I already have and do.

To beat a dead cliché, it's not the destination; it's the journey. It's stopping to smell the roses. Because if you believe that happiness is just around the corner, once you make it through this final series of problems or get that bit more cash, and you'll be in the clear... Well, I have some bad news. This is life, and the problems never stop coming; the work never ends, and the expenses have a way of meeting up with the wages, no matter how much it goes up. The good news, or so I firmly believe in a general sense, is that you already have happiness. It's just a matter of being mindful of it and appreciating the little joys already in your everyday life.

Now, if you’ve read this expecting some revolutionary answer to achieving happiness, I’ve probably disappointed you. But that’s the problem with expectations; they’re a happiness killer. And if you’re already just a generally happy person, I think that’s great. Please note that these are just my musings and no definitive claim on what happiness means to you. But I appreciate you for reading my general thoughts on life, and that makes me happy. Thank you!

Be good to yourself and others, please,

Keven